11 Step program for pre-parents

this post are specially for my friends whose about to get their babies preetty soon..but to the ones who jez got their's, gud luck!!...a baby is a god given gift!!!

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the newspaper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and be rate them about their:
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel:
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
1. Go to the local grocery store. Take with you a full-grown goat is an excellent choice
2. If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
3. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
4. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
1. Learn the names of every character from , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies and Pokemon.
2. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years.

I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'? Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tugon your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humour is one of the most important things you need as a parent!

8 Days and counting..

Its been a while since i'm able to blog..bukan takmo, but my power to handle the internet proxy is not there...so terima jerk la...they suddenly block mostly everything...including GOOGLE!!!... bodoh betul la...penakut!!or the IT team nie tak adventurous kot...

i still remember i was so eager to reach my feet to bumi Kuching once again...the last time i was here was last year...its a family vacation for 4 days...i can still remember it...but this time, was another trip, and another purpose...WORK!!

haiya,...on the 7th April, i took the ERL from KL Sentral to KLIA. My flight was at 1400 using MH2596. It took me approximately 20-30 minutes to reach KLIA. I didn't even realized i was there coz i was busy reading Macheda in the papers...hail Kiko!!!

after checking in for my tickets, i went to have my branch coz i wasn't expecting a great lunch on flight. I ate around 12.30 pm at the cafeteria in level 2. After that i suddenly had the crave of Snikers bar.. hmm i donno why...i was searching here and there for it and i couldn't find any..i was kinda dissapointed. I don't want to replace it with Mars.. so i decided to go straight to the waiting bay.. While walking there, i saw this grocery shop. There it was...SNICKERS!!!! but the price was RM 4.30.. wow!! mahal nyer!!..nevermind, i follow my stomach this time..

at around 2:15pm, the plane was departuring.. i reached kuching at around 3:50pm

After that, i immediately called my colleague from the bank to take the cab together since we are staying at the same hotel. It cost us rm 22 for one way from the airport to the hotel. Hotel Grand Magherita, along the Kuching Waterfront..After checking in..i realized that i'm staying alone in that big room..yeay!!!

After resting for about 30 minutes, we (about 4 people) crossed over the river to have our dinner. We ate ikan siakap bakar, nasi ayam penyek, mee kolok..After the dinner, we went straight to the Bank coz our work starts at 7:00pm

after that...at around 4:30 am we finished our work and we went straight to the hotel for our rest.

the next morning (8/04/09), my bos fly in from Singapore. Around 11am i was already there at the bank...doing nothing!!! what a waste of time!!!..in the evening we went for our dinner again across the river..but this time..we ate a lot

ketam, ikan siakap, ikan kerapu, sotong, tomyam, telur dadar, sayur midin belacan..

the next day (9/04/09), its the big day...exactly at 7:00pm we started our work..migration of the new Virtual Call Center servers for R** Bank in Jalan Kulas...

I started my task at about 10 pm. at 11:30pm, the host at Bangi was ready for 30 minutes...and we did all the test needed.. Yeay!! everything ran smoothly...i was very happy!!!

I took the early shift and my bos went back to the hotel. We decided to watch Transporter 3 using the projector inside the lounge just to waste our time.. at around 11am i went back to the hotel to have my rest after my bos came in for the next shift.

i immediately felt asleep after reaching the bed..

10/4/09- at around 5pm, i got a call from my bos stating that the server is having a problem..SHIT!!!...but at that time, i couldn't be bothered as i was totally tired and i know he is on site to solve it..

around 7:45pm we went for dinner sponsored by the branch manager.. Again we ate ikan kerapu, midin belacan, udang galah, ketam, tomyam...huhu

11/4/09 - the server is down again...SHIT!!!

12/4/09 - my flight was postponed to unknown date. I extended my stay till the next day.. Problem still not solved..

13/4/09 - my flight was again postponed.. Again i extended my stay.. but this time, i managed to do some investigation, and found out that there is a virus attacking the server, resulting the server to have a downtime every 12 hours..

14/4/09 - my flight was again postponed...again i extended my stay..


Remarks

I was banged by those stupid buggers from the project managers from the bank...They couldn't accept in the first place when i told them that there is something fishy in their firewall...they kept on denying it..budak kecik nie mana tau apa...sekarang..when the shit pointed back to them...still no answer from their side...bloody hell!!!

hey, if you dont know technical stuffs in the first place..dont even dare to argue laa....and the most important thing is ...DONT EVEN MANAGE LA!!!!!

p/s: now i'm not so eager to stay here in Kuching... Aku nak balik!!!!!!